My heart goes out to any Mother who has lost a child.
Last night, I had a bizarre dream that my sweet little 18 month old son (out of an occurrence of events that were very unreal) passed away. Though the method in which he passed was EXTREMELY unlikely, the manner in which he left was not. It was very much like him, which made it all the more poignant.
I woke up sobbing with my husbands arms around me.
Emotions are so funny. They are very delicate, deep, and well ... how else do I say it REAL. This turn of events, though based in fiction, rushed over and drowned me like Noah's flood. I couldn't think straight. I sorrowed, rethought the turn of events, and tried to convince myself that it was not real. I replayed images of him in my head, recalled ALL my memories of him, and imagined "what if's". I didn't want to be here without him! I WANTED HIM BACK! I didn't ever want to move on without him! It was SO overwhelming, with so much going on in my head, I couldn't begin to explain it.
It is the closest I've ever been to fully understanding how you strong, vibrant, compassionate mothers feel.
Then slowly but surely I began to surface. It took me quite a while to wake up, but when I did, life was a blessing. It is a privilege to have people who need me. It is an honor to be able to do the dishes, laundry, bookwork, cleaning, counseling, feeding, and meet each days demands. I GET to move on through the mundane and narrow tracks of motherhood that only lead to engaging and refreshing priorities. The thought I can have another child (be so sick and love another person) is something to rejoice in, not to morn about. I get to enjoy simple pureness of life!
To you I say, there is hope. I'm positive that the outcome of your "surfacing" experience can be similar to mine. You can be happy again. Sorrow thinks it never ends but it does.
Who am I to say anything to those dealing with these unadulterated feelings? That's right, who am I? What do I know? If I was going through what you are, would I feel similar to you? I am a woman aren't I? I am a fellow mother like you. I believe there is a portion of sentiment that can be shared from a broken heart. I admire you; the strength that you will and do find, is something to honor and respect.
You will be given the grace of God.
As your sister-in-motherhood, I remind, invite, and humbly ask you to remember that all good can be found through Jesus Christ. While I don't know all things, he does, and he inspires. Whether you are a seasoned mother, or a new one, or perhaps not even a mother at all; just a woman who can level with all I say... WE ALL NEED HIM don't we? Do not wait to turn to him, no matter what we have gone through, are going through, or may face.
I morn with you that morn. I write this to stand in your need of comfort (Mosiah 18:9), but mostly to witness to you that God redeems. God lightens and heals.
